|
Dear
Sir:
I am writing to thank
you for bouncing my
check with which I
endeavored to pay my
plumber last month. By
my calculations some
three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his
presenting the check and
the arrival in my
account of the funds
needed to honor it. I
refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly
deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement
which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight
years.
You are to be commended
for seizing that brief
window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my
account by $50 by way of
penalty for the
inconvenience I caused
to your bank. My
thankfulness springs
from the manner in which
this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have
set me on the path of
fiscal righteousness. No
more will our
relationship be blighted
by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs
in 2002, taking as my
model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of
your very bank.
I can think of no
greater compliment and I
know you will be excited
and proud to hear it. To
this end, please be
advised of the following
changes. I have noticed
that whereas I
personally attend to
your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to
contact you, I am
confronted by the
impersonal,
ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless
entity which your bank
has become. From now on
I, like you, choose only
to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan
repayments will,
therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your
bank, by check,
addressed personally and
confidentially to an
employee at your branch
whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that
it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any
other person to open
such an envelope. Please
find attached an
Application Contact
Status which I require
your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as
much about him or her as
your bank knows about
me, there is no
alternative. Please note
that all copies of his
or her medical history
must be countersigned by
a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of
his/her financial
situation (income,
debts, assets and
liabilities) must be
accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course I will
issue your employee with
a PIN number which
he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have
modeled it on the number
of button presses
required to access my
account balance on your
phone bank service.
As they say, imitation
is the sincerest form of
flattery. Let me level
the playing field even
further by introducing
you to my new telephone
system, which you will
notice, is very much
like yours.
My Authorized Contact at
your bank, the only
person with whom I will
have any dealings, may
call me at any time and
will be answered by an
automated voice service:
Press buttons as
follows:
- To make an appointment to see me.
- To query a missing payment.
- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
- To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer
is required.
Password will be
communicated at a
later date to the
Authorized Contact.
- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be
put on hold, pending
the attention of my
automated answering
service.
While this may on
occasion involve a
lengthy wait,
uplifting music will
play for the
duration of the
call. This month
I've chosen a
refrain from
"The Best of
Woodie Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks
are made of marble,
With a guard at
every door, And the
vaults are filled
with silver, that
the miners sweated
for."
On a more serious
note, we come to the
matter of cost. As
your bank has often
pointed out, the
ongoing drive for
greater efficiency
comes at a cost
which you have
always been quick to
pass on to me. Let
me repay your
kindness by passing
some costs back.
First, there is a
matter of
advertising material
you send me. This I
will read for a fee
of $20 per page.
Inquiries from the
Authorized Contact
will be billed at $5
per minute of my
time spent in
response. Any debits
to my account, as,
for example, in the
matter of the
penalty for the
dishonored check,
will be passed back
to you. My new phone
service runs at 75
cents a minute. You
will be well advised
to keep your
inquiries brief and
to the point.
Regrettably, but
again following your
example, I must also
levy an
establishment fee to
cover the setting up
of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a
happy, if
ever-so-slightly
less prosperous, New
Year?
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)
|
